66 things I wish someone had told me about grief
1. "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear" (CC Lewis "Grief Observed").
2. Sometimes grief doesn't have words - only tears.
3. Grief feels like an eternal winter. Everything is frozen and nothing comes alive.
4. Finding a support system is crucial.
5. Beware of counselors who are not grief related.
6. Too many people will try to impose time limits on your grief. Ignore them.
7. Losing someone you love so much is like an amputation, no matter how well you learn to get around, you will never be the same. You don't 'get over' it, you just adjust.
8. Death and grief make people uncomfortable, so be prepared for awkward encounters.
9. When people offer support, take them up on it.
10. People will say stupid, hurtful things without even realizing it.
11. People will tell you things that aren't true about your grief. Do not allow anyone to tell you how to grieve.
12. "Cut yourself some slack" and take solace where you find it.
13. Death brings out the best and the worst in families, so be prepared.
14. There is no such thing as closure.
15. There is no timeline for grieving. You will grieve, in some form, forever. Grief becomes a part of you.
16. There will always be regrets. No matter how much time you had, you'll always want more time, more kisses, more adventures, more moments.
17. Guilt is a normal part of grief.
18. Anger is normal part of grief.
19. The pain of a loss is a reflection of love, but you never regret loving as hard as you can.
20. Grief can make you question your faith.
21. Grief doesn't come in 5 neat stages. Grief is messy and confusing.
22. Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.
23. Grief can make you question your life, your purpose, and your goals.
24. Grief makes you lose focus, and makes it difficult to complete tasks.
25. Grief can make you feel like the world has ended.
26. Grief can make it terrifying to get close to anyone, for fear of losing them.
27. "Why?" and "What if...?" are unanswerable. The trick is to figure out how to live without the answers.
28. We all grieve differently, which can create strain and confusion between family members and friends.
29. However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times worse.
30. You may find comfort in very unexpected places.
31. The last 24 hours of their lives will replay in your mind.
32. It's sometimes necessary to seek out new ways to grieve on your own, find new guidance if the people who are supposed to be supportive simply haven't learned how.
33. You grieve your past, present, and future with your loved one.
34. Big life events and milestones will forever be bittersweet.
35. Your grief can be triggered when you expect it the least and you will deal with sudden outbursts, including in public. Grief triggers are everywhere, and you will see things that remind you of your loved one all over the place.
36. You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust.
37. Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever.
38. You may find the loved one you lost was the glue that held your family/friends together. You might drift apart temporarily or permanently, or you might find new glue.
39. People will tell you what you should and shouldn't feel and how you should and shouldn't grieve. Ignore them.
40. No other human can fully know what you are going through because no one else is you. No one else is 'wired' like you, and no one else can fully understand how a loss feels to you specifically.
41. Grief is emotionally and physically exhausting.
42. Grief can cause physical pain.
43. Sometimes it's OK if the only thing you did today was breathe.
44. The grieving process is about not only mourning the loss, but getting to know yourself as a different person.
45. There is no normal when it comes to grieving.
46. Grief alters the mind. It throws you into a wordless place, obliterates concentration, and alters experiences of memory and sense of time.
47. Motivation is non-existent when you grieve. Nothing gets done, things pile up and one shockwave after another explodes every time you try to process the reality.
48. Grief alters the way you measure time. You may find yourself measuring it as "before" and "after" your loved one's passing.
49. Grief gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn't seem worth starting anything.
50. Grief comes in waves. You may be ok one hour, not ok the next.
51. Grief can make you feel selfish and entitled, and that's okay (at least for a while).
52. Meeting new people, who never knew your loved one who died, can be very hard and sad, but eventually it can be nice to "introduce" them through stories and photographs.
53. People love to judge how you are doing. Watch out for those people.
54. You can't compare grief or compare losses, though people will try.
55. Any loss you grieve is a valid loss, though people will sometimes make you feel otherwise.
56. There are many days when you will feel totally and completely alone, whether you are or not.
57. Grief can make you do stupid, crazy things. They may be what you need at the time, but you may regret them later. Cut yourself some slack.
58. Grief counseling doesn't mean you're crazy or weak.
59. Time does NOT heal all wounds.
60. "Grief re-writes your address book". Sometimes the people you think will be there for you are not. People you never expect become your biggest supporters.
61. It is okay to tell people when they are not being helpful.
62. Talking isn't the only way to express and process emotions.
63. You can't go around grief. You can't go over it. You can't go under it. You have to go THROUGH it, or you have to go WITH it.
64. You will never go back to being your "old self". Grief changes you and you are never the same.
65. Nothing you do in the future will change your love for the loved one who died.
66. Grief is love turned into an eternal missing.